


Kaito Wonders About the Stars

by puffinmuffin13



Series: Personal Problems in the Present Tense [1]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Crying, Depression, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Internalized Transphobia, Nonbinary Momota Kaito, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Momota Kaito, Trans Oma Kokichi, vent fic, writing experimentation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:40:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23850946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puffinmuffin13/pseuds/puffinmuffin13
Summary: Kaito reads a book on stars, and doesn't understand why he starts crying in the middle of doing so.
Relationships: Harukawa Maki & Momota Kaito, Momota Kaito & Oma Kokichi, Momota Kaito & Saihara Shuichi
Series: Personal Problems in the Present Tense [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1776847
Comments: 4
Kudos: 100





	Kaito Wonders About the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> Sometimes you just gotta write a vent fic about one of your favorite characters being nonbinary, you know? Sometimes, you've gotta write out your journey to realizing you're trans, and sometimes you've gotta vent about  
> depression and school.
> 
> Enjoy the fic.

If you asked, Kaito wouldn't be able to tell you when being referred to as a guy stopped feeling right.

Maybe it was when he started trying to fit in as the hero in his friend group? Maybe it was when he started liking more traditionally masculine things, like working out or growing a goatee. Maybe it never felt right, and he just only recently noticed.

But regardless, Kaito _realized_ it didn't feel right on a Saturday night, as he stared up at the stars and idly wondered what it would be like to never have to worry about all the things humans did.

No working to make up late grades on assignments he beat himself up for not completing on time.

No terrible parents that eventually got him sent to his grandparents to be raised.

No lingering feelings of doubt when he bubbled out the same, old, tired words about how "manly" he was.

No worries at all.

Kaito thinks, sometimes, that he'd prefer to be a star, than deal with tears slipping down his face as his chest heaves and he wonders why he can't take any mention of ghosts, it's _just a childish fear_ and _he's a man, he's practically a man, he's practically the man of the house back home–_

Kaito wipes his tears, gives his reflection in the scornful mirror a grin, and shoves the moment of weakness down.

Kaito goes to class. Kaito smiles and laughs at all the right moments. Kaito pats his sidekicks on the back, gives everyone his best motivational speech of the day, and pretends it doesn't get tiring, doing the same act over and over and over.

Kaito pretends he doesn't have worries. One day, he's going to be with the stars, and he won't have any then, so why have any now?

If only the stars could give him advice on what to do when the feelings of being wrong – being _broken_ – pile up and nearly make him choke, day after night after day.

Kaito goes stargazing less. He'll get to see the stars plenty in the future, anyway.

Kaito pushes himself deeper into his studies. Books, like stars, do not comment on how manly he is, nor if he's worked out. Unlike stars, they don't remind him of how his heart feels like it's being dragged to the ground everytime the day gets a little bit too hard and he has to duck away before his breathing stutters in a way that is noticable.

Books aren't like stars. His studies aren't like his mirrors.

One day, Kaito can't bear to look in the mirror as he's styling his hair, and he wonders if it's possible to hate your reflection but not yourself.

Kaito grins. He grins wider and wider, and he laughs louder and louder. _This is right,_ he tells himself, after another day where his late assignment wasn't accepted. _This is the way the world works, and I'm Kaito Momota, Luminary of the Stars!_

Something's wrong with that statement.

If only Kaito knew what it was.

Kaito studies, and studies, and he brings his sidekicks out to train. He drowns in his conversation, practicing what to talk about before he says it. He doesn't know why talking is so hard nowadays, but he can deal with it. He deals with everything. He can deal with anything.

Kaito wonders why he feels spiteful that his two "closest friends" don't see anything off about him, when really he should be feeling relieved.

Kaito takes his mirror off the wall, and when his sidekicks say they don't want to train tonight, he goes out stargazing for the first time in weeks.

Kaito wonders if the stars would worry about things if they had the ability to.

Kaito wonders if the stars would be angry at him for being weak.

Kaito wonders if the stars will really make him happy, when they seem to only remind him of everything that is wrong.

Kaito goes back to books and schoolwork.

Kaito cries. He cries at home, locked away behind a door that no one ever opens except for him, because his home has become so disorganized that he barely has his paths that he takes through the house each day.

Kaito cooks a meal of cereal and microwave burritos for dinner.

His grandparents wouldn't be proud.

Kaito reads a book on stars, and doesn't understand why he starts crying in the middle of doing so.

The hating of his reflection turns to hating his face, and eventually his name as well. Kaito can't hear someone call his name without being struck with the sense that it is wrong, no one should call him that, no one should refer to him as he is.

 _Is it normal to want to disappear?_ he types into the web browser on his phone. All he gets are things about mental health he doesn't understand, and Kaito nearly throws his phone across the room.

Kaito starts wearing headphones as he works out. Conversation is too hard, so maybe music will quiet the bad feelings and thoughts.

Kaito studies –

Kaito... Cracks.

Kaito cries, this time in front of someone. He's trying so hard to play it off, to protest that he's _fine,_ because why wouldn't he be? Kaito ignores the tears streaming down his face as Kokichi presses a finger to his lips and whispers that it's not good to lie to yourself.

Kaito doesn't know how to answer that, because the liar is pointing out topics he'd rather not discuss with anyone, least of all himself.

Kaito leaves. Kokichi lets him go.

Kokichi comes back the next day. Kaito ignores him like he ignored the tears, ignored the feelings, ignored the bad grades, ignored his past and ignored the stars.

Kokichi makes it hard to ignore him.

Kaito mumbles about how he's being a brat and Kokichi says that liars have to stick together.

Kaito goes to school, doesn't speak to Kokichi, grins and speaks and plays the part of the hero he has to be, and goes home as part of the script of his hollow routine.

Kaito doesn't know why, but he's crying again and this time he's calling Kokichi. Before he can even apologize for bothering him and being weak, Kokichi is at his door with ice cream and nail polish.

They have to clear off a coffee table just to have enough space, but that's alright. Kokichi doesn't insult him even once as they watch a movie on Kaito's laptop, doesn't make him talk about all the things he wants to lie about. Kokichi keeps him company, paints his nails even though Kaito doesn't get the point, eats dessert with him, and leaves.

Kaito wonders if Kokichi's been through the same thing he has.

Kokichi comes over again the next day, another Saturday, and he never once comments on the mess.

Kokichi asks him a question about stars.

Kaito frowns and answers.

If he was the hero, Kokichi seems like the civilian who learns of the hero's identity and helps him from the shadows. The "man in the chair," so to speak.

Kaito feels like that should upset him.

Kaito feels too relieved at not being shamed for crying to care.

Kokichi smiles at him one day in class, and Kaito's astonished to find himself smiling back.

It takes time. More calls, more crying, more movies, more ice cream. It takes ten more times of Kokichi painting his nails for Kaito to learn how to do it himself. By then, he's learned more about Kokichi than he ever thought he would.

Somedays, Kokichi lies and jokes and grins, pissing him off and making Kaito wonder how they ever get along. Somedays, Kokichi's just there, as the friend Kaito tries to be for others so often.

Kokichi says that star names are weird. Kaito says that human names are weirder.

Kaito smiles at Kokichi. It's a real smile.

Kaito goes to school, plays the hero, and walks home with Kokichi.

Kaito asks if Kokichi ever feels bad about being himself, about being reminded of himself. Kokichi jokes about how he should see a therapist.

But then Kokichi says yes. Yes, there are days like that.

Kaito tries to take the advice from Kokichi, and the web browser he never understood the results of. He stands in front of the counselor's office, debating with himself, before turning away.

Kaito cries. Kokichi cries with him.

Kaito goes out training with his sidekicks – except, they're not working out tonight. Tonight, they're just stargazing.

Maki asks if he has a favorite star.

Kaito laughs and says he loves all the stars.

Shuichi asks if he ever wanted to be a star.

Kaito ignores all his feelings again, and says he once had a dream as a child about being a star.

Neither of them question the deflection. Kaito hates to wonder if they care about him as a friend, or a hero.

Kokichi's waiting when he gets back home.

Kaito tries not to get upset when the teacher separates work based on gender. He tries not to feel anything at all when he's sent to the men's locker room.

Kaito Momota is the Luminary of the Stars. Future man of the house, and current hero to all.

Kokichi tells him that the best hero stories end up with the hero learning to open up about their problems. Kaito doesn't respond to that.

One day, Kokichi is the one to call him, crying, and Kaito shows up with his laptop, ice cream, and a coloring book he never used.

Kokichi tells him his dysphoria has gotten bad and he can't stand his body. Kaito doesn't ask what dysphoria is, just plays the hero again and helps him out like Kokichi did for him.

Or, well, not really.

Kaito isn't playing a role this time.

Kaito's just being a friend.

It feels nice.

Kokichi watches a movie with him, eats some ice cream, colors the coloring book with Kaito, and Kaito leaves.

Kaito asks the next day if dysphoria is at all similar to hating your reflection.

Kokichi asks him if he's trans.

Kaito says he doesn't think that's something he can be; it's like asking a star what it would do if it got sent to live with its grandparents.

Kokichi notices his weak attempt at deflecting.

This time, the "book" Kaito is studying is a website on being transgender.

Kaito cries. But for the first time in months, it's not from sorrow.

Kaito doesn't like his name.

Kaito doesn't like his reflection.

Kaito Momota isn't a man.

His room is still messy. He still wants to disappear.

But at least he knows he's not a guy.

Kokichi brings him along to the counselor this time, allows him to tag along to his own session so Kaito doesn't chicken out again.

Kaito wonders if he was ever really weak for not being perfectly happy.

Kokichi hugs him one day, tears streaming down his face, and Kaito hugs him back.

Kaito asks his sidekicks if they've ever wondered what it would be like to have no responsibilities, no worries.

Turns out, he was missing a few things about his sidekicks like they missed things about him.

Kaito looks for a better fitting name.

Kaito starts going to the counselor on his own.

Kaito Momota is not "Kaito" at all.

He doesn't know who he is. But that's okay.

Kokichi comes over again, with a smile and a lie, and Kaito jokes about how he didn't have to even call this time for Kokichi to show up.

Kokichi punches him in the arm, which was fair.

Kaito thinks nail polish is starting to grow on him.

Kaito puts the mirror back on his wall.

Kaito receives a letter of recommendation for a nearby therapist for depression.

Kaito starts turning more things in on time, with Kokichi as his study partner instead of the silent books.

Kaito brings Kokichi out stargazing, and wonders how the stars he loves ever reminded him of his worries.


End file.
